Sunday, 10 February 2008
Jihad in USA
PIG GOES TO WAR! | JIHAD: AMERICAN STYLE
Recently, a PIGster wrote to tell us that we need to take the fight to America's Jihadikaze enemies with our own, American Jihad. As usual, that slammed our PIGish imaginations into high gear and this rant is one result. PIG decided that an American Jihadikaze is a patriotic defender of individual liberty who knows that the most powerful weapon in our arsenal is defined in our own Declaration of Independence: "We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness..." The sacred mission of American Jihadikazes is to beat the violence prone Jihadikaze pinheads over the head with our inalienable individual liberty until they slink off into their caves or their heads explode.
Before we can discuss what the American Jihad will do, we need to point out the differences between the standard issue Jihadikaze wingnut and our patriotic American Jihadikazes. Here are some important distinctions on certain essential points:
For Islamists, all knowledge starts with their holy book as explained in scholarly tomes written by learned individuals who made this task their life's work. American Jihadikazes don't have time for all that crap, so they cut to the chase. When an American Jihadikaze needs something explained they seek out Ziggy "Brainiac" Kowalski. What makes Ziggy number one with a bullet on our experts list? Ziggy is the only dude we know who can explain baseball's infield fly rule without putting us to sleep or making us want to shoot him.
When Islamikazes need some guidance, or some well chosen words to help them cope with one of objective reality's ubiquitous speed bumps, they, invariably seek out the wisdom of a mullah or cleric. Throw one of life's curveballs at an American Jihadikaze and they'll respond with the towering wisdom of Homer J. Simpson. Eloquence personified, Homer's two signature words arm us with an appropriate response for any occasion. If it's something good "Mmm" says it all. If it's bad "D'oh" gets the job done.
Eat Your Heart Out,
When it comes to women, Islamikaze males have so little control over their sexual impulses, they coerce women into wearing a head-to-toe moo-moo rig that makes it impossible to identify them as human, let alone female. American Jihadikazes know what they like to see and what they don't want to see. The two A.J. "Burkas" are constructed around this healthy regard for our vision. The orthodox A.J. burka is ideal for Natalie "Warthog" Maines or Rosie O'Donnell. To the untrained observer it looks suspiciously like a plain vanilla paper bag, but an expert can tell the difference. The regulation A.J. burka is the goodie the hottie is wearing, the gem that has all those dudely tongues hanging out.
Boldly going where Islamists are too gutless to go, American Jihadikazes also have a special male burka for certain alleged males like Michael Moore. You might call this outfit a straightjacket and a muzzle but we call it an idea whose time has come. If you picture Hannibal Lecter strapped to that stretcher in 'Silence of the Lambs', you get the big picture.
An aspiring Islamikaze like Little Abdul will probably get his first copy of the Koran, plus a tyke-class RPG for his birthday. On the other hand, future American Jihadikaze Billy-Bob will get an NRA membership and a 'can't we all get along' electronic game with a fuzz ball title like "Road Kill Rampage". While Little Abdul is busy learning verses from the Koran, Billy-Bob will be memorizing the Playmate of the Month's vital statistics. Billy-Bob is, all things considered, prime American Jihadikaze material.
Taking advantage of the rampant sexual repression that's the hallmark of Islamist cultures, the Islamikaze string pullers offer the eager young men an e-ticket to heaven where they get 72 virgins. Once again, American Jihadikazes are taken to a much higher, cultural plain. Instead of the booty that any American Jihad candidate can score on their own, the American Jihadikaze recruit is offered a free cell phone (teenage heaven) that comes with 72, prepaid, unrestricted VIRGIN hours to break in.
Islamikazes have absolutely no emotional control whatsoever. Almost anything can send these tantrum junkies on a street rampage. American Jihadikazes are a different breed entirely. The last verified A.J. street rampage happened when some pinhead at an American television network, switched from the critical moment in an (American style) football game between the New York Jets and Oakland Raiders to show a special presentation of "Heidi".
By now, you must be so eager to join this American Jihad your friends, neighbors and family are frantically searching for the phone number of the local stun gun shop. Tell them to take a chill pill, but don't mention PIG or they'll speed dial the local swat team. All kidding aside, there are some things you can do to thrill the towels off the heads of those pointy Islamikaze noggins. The first, and most important, task is to get on the damn phone the instant one of these lying rat bastards from CAIR pollutes the public airwaves - especially if it's a boom box show. Don't let them get away with their smoke and mirrors defense of Jihadikaze bovine excrement. Speak up whenever you read, see or hear someone spouting this Jihadikaze drivel. The unvarnished facts are the biggest weapon in your arsenal. Never forget that inalienable individual liberty is your ultimate weapon against Jihadikaze tyranny.
PIG's American Jihad is about the triumph of reason over irrationality. It's about ideas like liberty and free speech vs superstition. It's about ration adults who exercise self-control vs violence prone, tantrum-throwing morons who haven't got a single functioning synapse. Arm yourself with Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, Ronald Reagan, Thomas Paine and other voices of reason then go forth to defend your nation against the Jihadikaze plague that seeks to destroy the very foundations of American liberty. Don't just sit there, get your butt in gear, American Jihadikaze Sparky.